Deep Listening
The Power Beyond Words
Deep Listening
A paper by James Guzzetta
July 2024
Deep Listening
"Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding!” - Albert Einstein
Preface
Understanding has become a rarity in our current ways of interacting with others. Instead, particularly during election times, we engage in debate (win/lose) and divisive forms of interaction, looking only to win the point and convince the other person that we’re right.
To shift from this form of divisiveness we need to learn how to listen and build upon each other’s perspectives to one of mutual understanding.
Ironically, one of the least validated Human beliefs is that effective listening is an innate ability.
Yet, according to a recent poll, 96 percent of people surveyed think they are good listeners.
Additionally, only 2% have received some form of skilled training.
When we encounter communication challenges, we can easily enter a state of confusion or frustration, questioning ourselves with the question “What do I say now?”
Yet, with the accumulated evidence we still believe we’re good listeners and don’t look any further to pursue skill training in this area.
Flexibility over Perfection
I’m not inclined to suggest that we need fixed rules to communicate better because rules are rigid and we, who are communicating, are dynamic, changing, and in constant motion.
What truly makes a difference is a proven framework, as a guideline, that we can refer to when our personal or business relationships start turning contentious. A method that includes dynamic elements and transformative triggers we can exercise, as needed.
In the realm of our verbal interactions, perfection is an illusion. When it comes to our personal growth and the quality of our relationships, perfection has a sneaky way of warping our perception. Armed with expectations, agendas, and anticipated outcomes, the idea of perfection ends up playing the role of a communication limiter much more than a facilitator.
This is why a set of clearly laid out, dynamic steps allows flexibility to serve almost all communication, regardless of its challenges, blocks, and hurdles. -
This form of flexibility also allows life’s harmony to emerge when we let go of rigid rules. If we can take our goals and work toward them by embracing new ways of interacting, speaking, and listening, instead of aiming for perfection. This approach, based on small, slow steps, helps us build a sturdy foundation for long-lasting change,
More importantly, it supports us in connecting with our True Self and realizing our sacredness and divinity as Human Beings.
Small, Slow Steps
Slowing our movements and becoming intentional, powerful, and intelligent in our method of communicating allows us to be more authentic. To boldly move at our own pace and remove any sense of self-imposed competition can be a profound paradigm shift.
Moving slowly in a society based on speed and productivity is a radical act. We get so caught up in moving at a faster pace because of a fear of falling behind or failing, that we move away from who and what we are. We do not realize how the need to rush is often self-imposed. We are partially motivated by what we think others are doing, but these thoughts are not fully based on reality.
Speed and Hierarchy
They are largely the creation of our imagination. Our human habit has an attachment to hierarchy and the desire to not be at the bottom of it. The perception of hierarchy is something that we even impose on growth, healing, and wisdom as we measure ourselves against others to see “who is better” or “who is ahead.”
The attachment to speed and hierarchy is a sickness of the ego. There is nothing wrong with having goals and accomplishing great things, but when we are primarily consumed with being ahead of others, we no longer work with a balanced mind, and we cause ourselves needless suffering.
Is it a win if your suffering is a result of self-imposed mental tension?
The brave and wise move through life working and creating without attachment, making things for your good and the good of others, moving without strict time limits, finding the balance between commitments and not tension.
Who are we anyway?
The root of Who and What We Are lives in our self-perceptions and beliefs about our relationships.
Are we merely material cogs, moving about on a planet hurtling through space, doing the things we do out of learned or conditioned behaviors and habits?
Or is there something more to us than we can currently understand and evolve into?
Is there some invisible quality, we do not yet have the technology to measure, that none-the-less exists and shapes our experiences?
Is that invisible quality something beyond us, or is it already integrated into our very soul and cellular structure, waiting for us to awaken to its power?
Why Deep Listening?
The “Why” of this question also gives rise to the “How”.
Why? Objective/Goal
How?
Understanding others
Listening with Presence
Self-understanding
Awareness of emotions, feelings
Detach from conversation chaos
Enter Sanctuary
Respond, not React
Choosing
Formulate question
Select open-ended question(s)
Pose the question
Ask, Never Assume
Feedback on what you understood
Attest to what you Grokked
Thank your partner
Give Sincere gratitude for their presence
Our Ability to Speak and Listen
The quality of the relationship relies on our ability to Listen and the effectiveness of our rate as good-to-great listeners. Yet, how often do we find ourselves in conversations that are spiced with contention, argument, anger, etc?
Most of us would describe ourselves as good listeners because we are attentive to “what we listen to” - Words.
We would be better served to observe “what we listen for”.
Based on psychological studies, words comprise about 7% of the speaker’s message.
Do we listen to the emotions expressed through the speaker’s voice, or the subtler nuances of their facial expressions and gestures?
And further. Do we hear vocal tonalities and nuanced bodily expressions? Or intuitively pick up on any messages that are not expressed in words, nuances or gestures?
What meaning could possibly be hidden beyond these levels of communication?
More so, are we aware of the emotions, feelings, and thoughts we experience when listening to another?
Given the models we are exposed to from our families, our education, work, friends, and media, it’s no surprise that we live with an extremely limited sense of how we listen and understand each other and ourselves.
By putting our attention to both listening and effective communication, we can build stronger relationships, achieve greater understanding, and navigate the world with more clarity and purpose.
What’s Feelings got to do with it?
Some people view feelings as weaknesses or flaws in our human makeup.
However, ancient wisdom and modern science have shown that our feelings enable super-human capabilities when practiced properly or in crisis, with no perceived limits.
And, as Rudolf Steiner (Creator of Anthroposophy and Waldorf Schools) commented on the value of emotions and feelings:
“Feelings are for the Soul, what food is for the Body
Emotions and our feelings play a powerful role in shaping how we see ourselves, others, and the world around us. They act as a colored lens through which we interpret our experiences.
For example, you’ve probably lain on a grassy field and gazed up at the clouds (during daytime) or stars (at night). It may evoke a feeling, a set of images, or thoughts. It may also take the form of a dream or vision.
Our mind creates these feelings, mixed with past experiences, as an interpretation of what we are experiencing at the moment. Then it creates a series of images and eventually an entire story, within nanoseconds, all while we are still in the process of experiencing.
The same happens in conversations or interactions with someone, or possibly, as an inner dialogue.
Here are some additional ways our emotions and feelings influence our perception:
1. They act as spotlights, directing our attention towards things that are relevant to our emotional state. For example, if you're feeling anxious, you might be more likely to notice potential threats in your environment.
2. They influence how we encode and store memories. Events paired with strong emotions, positive or negative, tend to be more vivid and easier to recall. Additionally, emotions can color our interpretation of events. For instance, a critical remark might feel like a personal attack if you're feeling insecure, whereas you might brush it off on a confident day.
3. They can introduce biases in our thinking. Feeling happy might make us see the world through rose-colored glasses, while anger can cloud our judgment and make us see others in a negative light.
4. They can influence how we see ourselves. Experiencing success can boost our confidence and self-esteem, while failure or rejection might lead to feelings of inadequacy.
5. They play a crucial role in social interactions. They help us understand the emotions of others (empathy) and build connections. For example, feeling compassion might motivate us to help someone in need.
Here are some additional points to consider:
The influence of emotions is not always negative. Positive emotions like joy and gratitude can broaden our perspective and make us more receptive to new experiences.
Emotions are not the only factor. Our perceptions are also shaped by our past experiences, cultural background, and personal beliefs.
We can develop emotional intelligence. By being aware of how emotions influence our thinking, we can learn to manage them effectively and make more balanced judgments.
Overall, emotions and feelings are an integral part of our human experience. They not only influence how we feel but also how we perceive and interact with the world around us.
Our World and Deep Listening
In a world increasingly dominated by noise (via media, our thoughts/feelings), the art of Deep Listening is a pathway to reconnecting with ourselves and each other in a meaningful way.
It transcends the mere act of hearing words, to encompassing a profound attentiveness and willingness to step into the world of another and truly understand them. I like the term “Grok”* here, which aptly describes this ability.
Beyond Words – “The Language of Relationship”
Most spoken languages objectify the elements of life (the cosmos, animals, plants, etc.).
Deep listening offers more than a toolbox to fix broken relationships. It is a transformative method that helps us evolve a rich “Language of Relationship”, as compared with our current “Language of Convenience”.
*Coined by Robert Heinlein in his 1961 book “Stranger in a Strange Land”, meaning going beyond mere understanding.
To be fair, the “Language of Convenience” allows us to communicate about material things with greater ease. I can refer to a “Horse” and with one word communicate about that “European, 4-legged animal that evolved from a small dog-like beast to the magnificent and graceful animal it is today”.
The Language of Convenience is cleaner and easier.
However, it misses many other dimensions of that animal when we perceive it as an object.
How can the lineage of Horses be part of our experience by experiencing just one Horse?
How can we know its history as a colt growing up on the North American plains 55-60 million years ago? These early horse ancestors were varied, with some living in forests and others in grasslands. Over time, they migrated across the Bering Land Bridge into Asia and spread throughout Europe, the Middle East, and North Africa. And what about its immediate Sire and Mother, its coloring genealogy, its temperament?
How did it learn to survive predators, where and how did it find food and water, and the dynamic bonds within its herd?
Why have they evolved a close, interdependent relationship with Humans?
What is the value in that “inefficient”, non-convenience perception, anyway?
In my view, it opens us to a set of possibilities of this world as a “miracle of wonders”. We start seeing beyond the surface of things and into the depths of what we are perceiving, but also to deeper realms within ourselves. And, it contributes to our ability to learn the language of other species and to communicate with them.
In our Western Culture, we haven’t yet awoken to the value of communicating with other species. Some researchers and trainers have been exploring a relationship with Whales and Dolphins –fellow mammals. But we are still sitting at the tip of the iceberg of the potential benefit of being able to understand who and what they are, particularly in relationship to Humans.
Never Assume, Always Ask!
We can assume and project our answers – we call this “speculation”. Or we can learn how to communicate with them sufficiently to ask and exchange more information over time.
Deep Listening is an invitation to be open to, study, and develop the capability of deeper understanding in our relationships – both personal, business, and across species.
We can indeed experience something at surface value only and still benefit greatly.
We can touch or lean against a tree, and it can evoke thoughts and feelings within us that we recognize are beyond our personal experiences.
For example, our limited perception of the “Tree” still allows a temporary connection, with a deeper part of us, that doesn’t include its subsurface linkages, their symbiotic relationship to the soil and biome, or its above-soil appendages that generate life-giving oxygen.
But once I start calling or thinking of it as “Tree”, its magic seems to quickly fade away.
We can know something either by the name we call it, or by the dynamic relationship that resonates between us.
While words convey information, it is often the space between, within, and beyond them, that our relationship with them comes alive. This is where the most profound meanings exist.
If we only listen to words, the nuances and life dynamics in any message start to become two-dimensional, and we can only relate to it at face value.
With inter-human communication, looking beyond words to notice other signs such as a furrowed brow, a hesitant tone, or a flicker of sadness in the eyes – these subtleties can speak volumes, revealing what words alone cannot express.
Beyond Signs
And beyond these signs lies the realm of intuitive listening - the ability to cognize what is not apparent and, yet, can give us a deeper understanding of not just the words, but of the person speaking them.
Deep listening attunes us to this unspoken “Language of Relationship”, allowing us to grasp the emotional landscape beneath the surface.
The Power of Presence
At its core, deep listening is about authentic presence. It is about putting aside our own preconceptions and assumptions to fully engage with the person before us.
It requires a conscious effort to be “present at the moment”, to hold space for another's experience, and to exercise a certain degree of vulnerability without judgment or interruption.
In this sacred space of authentic presence, trust flourishes, vulnerability becomes possible, and the connection deepens.
A Catalyst for Personal Growth
Deep listening is not a one-way street. As we actively engage with another's perspective, we can better understand ourselves.
Their experiences become mirrors reflecting our own, prompting self-reflection and growth.
By listening deeply, we may uncover hidden biases, challenge limiting beliefs, and develop a more compassionate understanding of the human condition.
Transforming Relationships:
Deep listening fosters empathy and connection. By truly hearing another, we validate their experience, building bridges of understanding.
By merely following the 8 Deep Listening steps and the 5 Transformation Triggers, you can foster stronger and more meaningful relationships, both personally and professionally. Communication becomes a collaborative dance, a journey of shared understanding rather than a one-sided transmission.
And, it becomes easier and easier as you put it into practice!
The Journey Inward:
Developing the art of deep listening is a lifelong journey that begins with introspection.
We must first learn to listen deeply to ourselves – to our thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations.
This self-awareness allows us to practice non-judgmental, non-assuming observations, a crucial skill for listening deeply to others.
The exercises and interactions provided in the course, give you the foundation to apply Deep Listening skills in every interaction or conversation with others and yourself.
A Call to Action:
In a world constantly vying for our attention, deep listening is a revolutionary act. It is a call to slow down, to connect truly, and to foster genuine understanding.
Whether in our closest relationships, professional interactions, or relating to our environment, deep listening can transform how we connect with the world around us.
This preface merely introduces you to the door of the power of transformative deep listening.
“Deep Listening – The Power beyond Words” – The Course.
Deep Listening can cultivate the essential skills, equipping you to navigate the language of relationship, building more meaningful connections in all aspects of your life.
For those interested in learning more or registering for the mini-workshop, click on: Deep Listening Webinar”.